I was out in the barn, forking hay on a hot afternoon, when a young man, whom I knew was newlywed, approached me and asked me the secret to my long marriage. I motioned to a bench. After forking two more loads, I said …
Listen carefully and understand that when she says you’re not hearing her, it’s possible that you’re not hearing her at all. Men have a significantly higher rate of hearing loss compared to women, so it’s a real possibility that you might not be comprehending her. This old joke has a ring of truth to it, so it’s worth paying attention to.
To be certain, read her lips, observe her body language, and pay attention to her posture. Which way are her feet turned? Is her chin up or down? Which body part is more forward in her stance—her chest or her shoulders? Are her hands down and open, or are they closed? Are they crossed in a defensive manner, forming a cross over her heart? Or are they clasped in her lap? Avoid looking at her brow, as there’s unlikely to be any useful information there. However, be sure to observe the angle of her clavicles and ask yourself, “What is that angle?”
To avoid information overload, only glance at her eyes. If she says, “Look at me!” Then relax. You’re on the right track. Is her hair up or back? Has it recently been styled? Do you recognize her earrings? If you’re sitting, is she leaning back onto the cushions or leaning forward? Don’t look at her throat. A heart beating, like eyes staring, tells you everything and therefor nothing.
Don’t dwell on what you’ve done or haven’t done, and for goodness sake, don’t ask her. Just listen attentively. Did she just step closer to you? Is she, as novelists suggest, “back on her heels”? If she’s barefoot or wearing sandals without socks, has she recently painted her toenails? Do you know the color? Does she have more or less jewelry on her wrists and fingers?
Whatever you do, avoid complimenting her on her beauty or expressing your love for her. These things can be said later, after you’ve fully listened. Does she have her phone in her hand? Is she holding a drink in her hand? Is it white or red wine, or a cocktail? If it’s water, I’m not sure what to think. If it’s a can of water, is it the same brand you’ve always had or something new? Is it a flavor she knows you don’t like? Has she taken a sip during a pause to see if you’ll interrupt her?
If you haven’t, then you can touch her upper arm. If you have, then let her walk away and let her be for about, well, for me it’s usually ten minutes or so.
Hey, wanna grab that pitchfork?
No, Jesus, not her.
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